OMG its ALL going on isn't it?
I've been feeling quite overwhelmed lately due to a several changes in my life which have happened in rather quick succession or as "quick" a succession as it could be for someone that is 48 years old.
I've found myself with a dream come true encounter in that I've managed to secure a place for the 2022 TCS London Marathon. After missing out on a good for age time in Brighton by a little over 2 minutes, I resigned myself to try even harder in the 2023 Brighton Marathon and knock that time off to be in with a chance of getting into the GFA ballot. For me, a 48 year old male, the GFA cut off is 3 hours and 10 minutes. I do recognise that doing a marathon in 3 hours and 12 minutes is no small thing, which is and was a massive boon. But I still want to try.
Then, weeks ago I was approached by my friend Chris who asked if I was in the London Marathon. I told him I'd not managed to get into the GFA ballot and the regular ballot is so massively oversubscribed that the chances of obtaining a place through it are miniscule. That said you need to be in it to win it so I still registered for a place and then wasn't massively surprised, but still disappointed that I'd not secured a place. As for a charity place, there was no way I could put myself on the proverbial hook to guarantee at least £2,000 in fund raising especially in the current economic climate we're all facing.
So, long story short and I wont divulge details, I WILL be running in this years London Marathon 2022 for the Mayor of Southwark. I've had to resurrect the old Brighton marathon training plan and "pro rata" it so I am already in the build phase with fast finish long runs now occuring on Sundays. The fitness I'm pleased to say hadn't slipped too nuch but I'll touch on that later on. Of course it has slipped as after Brighton I literally stopped training. I mean why not? Its not like you keep on revising for an exam after you've already sat it.
So I'm "hoping" for 3 hours 15. Worst case scenario a 3 hour 30 finish. This time next month it'll all be over and done with. To be honest I've no idea how I'll do. I know that Brighton has more hills than London does so there is that aspect of a flatter course means a faster pace. But the training has been completely non existent this week. I'll get onto the treadmill today as its an easy run day, and tomorrow is a 20 mile fast finish long run where the first 12 miles are at regular long run pace and the final 8 miles are goal marathon pace or faster.
A new role
After 7 years I left the safety blanket of TMA Data Management to go to a new company called Codurance. It is such a shock to the system. Being back in a probationary period, trying to figure out my fit. Trying not to let the nervousness and anxiety take over as that does not serve me at all well.
I can safely say that I now fully understand the meaning of the phrase "imposter syndrome". I mean at TMA and rightly so after that period of time, I knew what is expected of me, I knew I could do "a good job", I recognised I was more capable than some and less capable than others. Not a put me down at all, but a healthy observation of my own technical abilities. I've never professed to be gods gift to the technical community, I dont have that level of arrogance. I recognise that there is still so much I do not know and I really should take it on board to better myself and my skillset which in turn will benefit the company which has taken a chance on me also.
Then there is the learning curve or process I find myself in. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the fastest learner. I know that I learn by doing, sure I can read things, but how much of that will I retain? TBH not much.
But its also made me realise that my anxiety is now going through the roof. This in turn has me doubting myself and my abilities, my ability to learn and onboard new information, constantly second guessing myself, and in some cases 3rd and 4th guessing myself. I'm working with incredibly talented people and I find me asking myself "What the hell are you doing here Dave?"
We had a meeting the other day to talk about the foundations training every new starter had been given. It was an online white board with questions to answer in groups. As soon as I saw the questions, WHOOSH my mind just went blank. Anxiety had fully taken over and I'd forgotten 99% of what I'd managed to retain.
There was one board though titled "Beyond the technical" which I found easy. Why was it easy though? Well because in my opinion there were no wrong answers. As long as you answered truthfully then its the right answer.
The answers from previous groups were still on the whiteboard and it was such a relieif to see that someone had written "Imposter Syndrome" and "Overwhelmed". A relief in that I could see there were others feeling how I was feeling. So I also added "Anxious".
Its like all the things I've told others throughout the years I'm no longer listening to and I'm rationalising why I'm not listening to my own advice so it no longer applies to me. One of the nuggets of information I tell others (and this is something the IT director at Travel Republic told me many years ago). "Dave, dont judge yourself based on what others bring to the table". I've developed a great resilience to not listening to myself and justifying why that information no longer applies to me. I developed an analogy which I've shared with a few people. Its like I've told someone that I do a very nice roast chicken with a sausagement, sage & onion stuffing. Then they've gone and put me in the kitchen at The Savoy in London and I'm now surrounded by Michelin starred chefs.
Cost of living
I've had a few "wobbles" because of this and fair enough I think thats completely normal given the state of the economy. Had my friend Tori over a few weeks ago to work out my "backs to the wall, shit has happened big time budget". The sort of monthly budget where the only thing you're working for is to not become homeless. Right now I do have a social life and there are luxuries that can be enjoyed. I'm classifying luxuries as things you do not need to survive. E.g. Netflix, Zwift, Amazon Prime.
My mortgage is currently fixed until 2023, as is my energy (thats until December 2023), but after those deals end, oh yes I'm expecting a pretty big shock to the system.
I earn a decent (read above average) salary in a career that I absolutely love. If I know I'm going to be feeling the squeeze later on where I will need to make cut backs, then I cannot even begin to think how others are managing or in some cases are not managing. This winter is going to be exceptionally tough for all involved. I've already started looking at extremely thin thermal gloves so I can still use my keyboard if the temperature in the house drops too much.
I remember when interest rates sky rocketed in the 1980's to about 17%. So "for a laugh" I went onto a mortgage calculator, put in my mortgage balance, 25 years and 17% interest. OMG the monthly payment on its own was more than I would even take home. Forget about any bills, food, energy. I'd be throwing my entire paycheck at it and STILL come up short by several hundred pounds a month. Nah, thats when you know there is no wiggle room, no things to cut back on. Just take the keys, hand them back to Nationwide (my mortgage provider) and say "cheers very much, its all yours now".
The effect this is having and will have on peoples health both physically and mentally is going to be catastrophic. I've already floated the idea to my parents of them potentially going back to their apartment in Spain for the entirety of winter. Yes that also means over Xmas etc.
My dad
This is the first time I've written about this. About 10 minutes before my 2nd interview with Codurance, I had a phone call from my parents. My dad was confirmed with stage 3 cancer. Now it could be worse, it could have been stage 4 which is "we can only make the patient comfortable". With stage 3, yeah its bad, but yes there are things we can try to help. They *may* work but there is a strong chance it'll come back again.
Surgery was floated as an idea, but given my dad's age (82) and from how this massively invasive procedure sounded, there was a chance that he'd not make it off the table. Now the radio therapy does seem to be having a positive effect which is great.
To be honest if you were to look at my dad, you'd not know there was anything wrong. Sure he's lost alot of weight as a result. We jokingly say that he's catching up with me and my physique.
I'm fortunate enough to say that even at 48 I still have both parents. It wasn't until a few years ago that I lost my last grandparent. Our family does seem to be blessed with longevity as when my parents retired and moved to Spain, my mum had both her parents still alive and kicking.
I feel like I am a fusion of both my parents. My mum is my emotional side and as a cancerian, we thrive off ours and others emotions. My dad is my professional side. Not to say my dad is uncaring, clinical etc. But in terms of life lessons I've learned, I draw my working ethos mostly from my dad. He never went to university but his massive work ethic brought him from being a Warehouse Manager at a little known computer company that came from Houston, Texas to Richmond Upon Thames in the 80's. That company was called Compaq Computers all the way up to being the Spares and Warranty manager for the entire UK for Compaq and then subsequently HP after their takeover.
Having his own team under him of some incredibly gifted, educated people. He taught me that no matter how much you think you know, theres always someone that knows more.
He taught me that there is way to treat people. Ok he didn't go into detail on that one, but I've derived through the years its with "trust" and "respect".
I definitely got my running ability from him. He'd always wanted to do the London marathon so when I got in, they were the first people I'd told. Back when my dad always tried to get into it, there was a rule that if you were rejected 4 - 5 times in a row, you were guaranteed a place the next time. My dad was rejected time and again, then he got his guaranteed position... Then he had a stroke and the doctor said he could not take part. He fully recovered from the stroke but I dont think he tried again to get in. So I have so many motivational factors for me in this event.
- Its a world major marathon
- Its one of the events needed for the London Classics medal
- I'm doing it for me
- I'm doing it for my dad
I think my sister has inherited most of my dad's business traits as shes gone from strength to strength at her current place. To a level of seniority that I really do not ever see myself being in as its just not in my character to be able to do whats needed to succeed in that position.
Social media
I have finally removed all trace of myself from social media. Facebook account is gone as is my twitter account. Things were getting far too toxic in there for my liking and I was finding these platforms for the most part were bringing out the worst in people.
When someone joins Codurance, we're asked to write a mini bio. Maximum 600 words. Some of the other people in their bio's included links to their LinkedIn profiles, or twitter profiles. I had a look at my twitter profile and decided against providing that information as it was several months of anti-Tory rage tweets. Not wishing harm or anything like that, but more sheer exasperation as to the state of things. There was no way I was going to provide that information to my new colleagues as, even for me looking at it as an outsider, I appeared to be a very antagonistic sort of guy.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I removed my profiles completely. I didn't deactivate them to be resurrected later on, they're now 100% gone. I reached out to a couple of people over twitter messenger and facebook messenger, the sorts of people I'd interacted with frequently and had got on with them. Told them I was leaving and why, offered my mobile number if they wished to stay in touch and left it at that. But for the most part, the most important people in my life have my mobile number and can contact me as and when they see fit.
While there were good aspects of these platforms, I found the negative aspects were outweighing the good and I was being drawn to them. I would jokingly say that I would wake up in the morning and go straight onto twitter as I would wake up too calm. Then once my blood pressure had risen to a sufficiently high level, thats when I would get out of bed and crack on with my day.
Keegan
He's now in year 10! OMG I feel so old that my son is now starting his GCSEs. I can only hope he does alot better than I did when I was at secondary school. I dont want him using me as an excuse to not apply himself.
I remember I told him years ago that I didn't want him to be as good as me. I want him to be better than me. Think I put it in a previous blog post (The world of unsocial media) that I can only get him up to a certain point, he has to do the rest himself.
We're going out for breakfast soon to the local greasy spoon so I'll be wanting to wrap up this entry rather soon. While there and he wont be face first in his mobile phone, I'll be wanting to get his take on what he thinks the next two years of this life at school and home are going to be like. Not a prediction, but I just want to see where is brain is at. To be honest I want him to realise that up until now I would say its been relatively candyland-esque and now the hard work really does begin.
Wrapping up
OK I think thats enough of a dump for now. Not sure how I'll get this blog post out as I normally share links to it on both facebook and twitter, but if you've paid attention you'll know those are not an option anymore. Sure there the Codurance slack / chat channels but it would seem to be a bit self promoting to post a link to this in there. But my bio does have a link to this blog entry so we'll see if anyone actually reads it.
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