"J"
As I sit here with words flying round my head trying to put some organisation or structure to them. I mentioned in my previous post which, full disclosure I forgotten that I had started to write so I hurridly wrapped that one up just so I could put this one down to hopefully be some form of catharsis.
I mentioned meeting someone in 2022. I'll just refer to her as "J". Have you ever had that feeling where you really genuinely thought you had found your person? Billions of people on this planet and you find that person you seriously connect with. So you start bringing down your emotional walls we all have to protect us.
Life wasn't perfect, I mean who's life is? But I loved her.
This post isn't going to go on about the in's and out's of a ducks arse in terms of mine and J's relationship. We had moments, we talked, we connected. We integrated with one anothers families. She met my dad while he was still with us. She came with me to the hospital to support me the evening he died. She and her children even came to the funeral
We were planning a future together where we thought in years down the line we'd both sell our properties and get a place together a bit further up north where she had some family. So we would spend some evenings on rightmove / zoopla with a theoretical budget we'd have and see what we would get if we we're doing it then. OMG some of the places were breathtaking. I remember one time saying "What the hell am I going to do with 9 acres of land!?" or jokingly "Thats going to be a seriously long extension cable for the lawn mower to make it to the other end of the garden"
But, it wasn't to be.
OMG I felt, how could I have been so wrong about a relationship that felt right. When things started to deteriorate, for me that happened exponentially.
I remember one evening after work, going downstairs and pouring myself a beer. Then I messaged my friend Jamie (not the J in the header mind you) just to touch base. I remember him asking me "Hows it going?" you know, just as we all do. I also remember messaging back "My life is a raging dumpster fire". Within minutes Jamie had offered to come get me and bring me back to his for beers. We sat outside in his back garden and I just vented. Am definitely sure I came across more neurotic than usual but hey what are friends for. He listened, offered advice when I asked for it.
I got an uber home and reached out to J the next day, I was in a "I have to try something" mindset. But obviously long story short it was all for nought. A few days later we had our final phone call where I said "I think we've both checked out haven't we?". J responded, "Yep"
Days later J came to mine to return things I'd had and I had put all her stuff together. We shared a coffee, we both had a cry. OMG it was so tough. Hugged one another one final time, I swear I didn't want to let go.
Stages
Its now well over a year since the break up. I dreamt about J again last night. Doesn't happen all the time, but infrequently enough for when it does happen it does affect me as I want it to just stop. Maybe thats the point in writing this blog entry. When I told my friends about it today, I was sent this image as I said I no longer feel angry (that used to happen). No, today when it happened, I woke up thinking "Did J and I have a conversation about getting back together or did I dream that?" when I realised that conversation wasn't real (as in it was in the dream) I wasn't angry, I felt sad.
I've been through the "Anger" stage where I chose to focus on some stuff that happened after the split. Thinking, ok, hoping that would see me through. Giving myself several talkings to trying to force myself to see past all the really nice times and focus on the things that I now found to not be right. Those things I would never have in another relationship.
I was on facebook several weeks ago and J's brother and his partner came into my mind. So I thought I would see how life was treating them. I saw on his partners page they had gotten engaged. I felt really happy for them. So I sent a message of congrats to the partner. To be honest I never expected a response but I did get one back thanking me for the congratulations. It was nice, but strange.
So hopefully this is me on my healing process. I'm just really grateful that I have friends to talk to about this. I'm definitely a slow burner on these things. But I guess we all are if we allow our minds to heal in their own time.
Unfortunately I now have a mental version of those signs you see at building sites "Number of days since an accident". Except for me its "Number of months since dreaming about J". So as you might imagine, I'm now back at zero from whatever the number was before.
I know categorically there is no going back. I've repaired parts of my life that I had neglected and hadn't been the best person in. So I'm eternally grateful to have those people in my life to afford me that opportunity. Plus I also remember something that J would say "When I'm done, I'm done". So she definitely wont be banging on my door out of the blue. Although that is a scenario I've played in my head in the guise of "What would you do if it did happen Dave?". I know I wouldn't ignore her, I wouldn't be abusive but I would have just one question "Whats different?"
